


The Doctor, Rose, Jack, Lister, Rimmer, the Cat, Arthur, and Ford play "I Never."

by jmtorres



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams, Red Dwarf
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Drinking Games, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-06-15
Updated: 2005-06-15
Packaged: 2017-10-09 09:07:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/85520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jmtorres/pseuds/jmtorres
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What is says on the tin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Doctor, Rose, Jack, Lister, Rimmer, the Cat, Arthur, and Ford play "I Never."

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers through "The Doctor Dances" for Doctor Who (was set during series 1 of the new series); um, Red Dwarf through series 5; and I'm not sure the Hitchhiker references are spoiler-specific so much as pulled out of my ass. But you might want to have, I don't know, seen some version or possibly read the first book.

"I," declared Captain Jack Harkness, "have never been the last being of my kind in existence."

The Doctor gave him a glare.

Lister groaned.

The Cat said, "Well, I don't _know_ if I'm the last, do I, 'cause all the others _left._"

Arthur said, "I don't quite think it counts, since Trillian was still around."

Ford shrugged and knocked back a swallow of That Old Janx Spirit, and passed the bottle on. Arthur looked at Ford. Ford said, "What?"

"You're the last..." Arthur paused. "Betelgeusian?"

"Well," said Ford, "The last descendant of Betelgeuse Seven. Betelgeuse Five is still alive and kicking and producing little tiny Zaphods. What about it?"

Arthur stared at him. "You never _said,_" he said petulantly.

"Oh, smeg," said Lister. "Get a room, why don't you." Lister took his swallow, shuddered, and said, "How about Rimmer? Do we know if there are any other holograms left in the universe?"

"Holly counts," Rimmer said quickly.

Holly said, "I suppose I do."

Lister grumbled and gave the bottle to the Doctor, who drank.

"That the lot, then?" Jack asked brightly.

"Not quite," said Rose, taking the bottle from the Doctor.

"You?" said Jack. "But you're from the twenty-first century!"

"Yes, and _he_ had to take me to the year five billion to see the sun explode," said Rose. "I thought he was a right bastard for it, too."

"Sorry," said the Doctor. "It seemed like a fun idea at the time."

"Okay," said Ford. "It's me next?"

"Yeah, I think," said Lister. "Go for it."

Ford considered. There wasn't much he could nail Arthur with, since Arthur hadn't done _near_ as many things as Ford had. That meant he ought to try for the rest of them. Well, at least some of them were time travelers, and from what Ford knew about Zaphod's adventures... "I have never, in all the years I've been to, met myself."

"Bleeding hell," said Rose. She drank. "I think that's the last of that bottle. Anyone got anything else?"

Jack produced a bottle of wine. "Not me," he said, twisting a corkscrew in. "At least, not that I can remember." He popped the cork and held the bottle out. "Anyone?" He looked slyly at the Doctor. "If Rose has--"

"Give it here," the Doctor said, snatching the bottle away from Jack. "For multiple occasions," he said, and took a long drink.

"Us as well," said Lister. "The time when the other me married Kochanski--" One drink. "The time with the parallel universe--" Two drinks. "The time the ship split in half--" Three drinks. "Same for the rest of us," he said, glaring at Rimmer and handing the bottle to the Cat.

"Only that last one," said the Cat, sipping the wine. "I wasn't there three million years ago, and Dog was not me in any way, shape or form."

"But three for three for Rimmer," Lister insisted.

"Fine," said Rimmer. "Holly, hit me." His head jerked, and his face took on a disgusted expression. "And again." Another jerk, this time followed by revolted tongue-waving. "And maybe a nice martini this time, Holly."

From his expression, it was unclear whether Holly had complied.

Ford nudged Arthur. "Your turn. Should be easy, eh? You've hardly done _anything._"

Arthur glared and said, "I've never written for the _Guide._"

"Git," Ford said cheerfully, accepting the bottle.

As Ford drank an amount which was, potentially, equivalent to the actual number of articles the _Guide_ had published in his name, Rimmer said, smugly, "I've never eaten my own toenails."

Ford stopped drinking to look at Rimmer's shipmates. The computer was out, not having any toes. The Cat... no, it had to be Lister. "Here," he said. "You'll want to wash the taste away, I expect."

"Smeg off," said Lister. "It's just good hygiene. Better than letting them grow ten inches long."

Shudders all around. After Lister drank, he said, "I've never failed the astronavigation exam."

"You've never _taken_ the astronavigation exam," said Rimmer.

"That either," said Lister, grinning.

"Oh, fine," said Rimmer. "Holly--" His head jerked back, and remained in place as his throat glugged with continuous swallows. Holly was apparently not administering individual shots for this.

The Cat said, "The point of this game is to get _everyone_ else to drink?"

"Yeah," said Lister.

"And if you _all_ have to drink, do I win?" the Cat asked.

"Either that or we have to find some more liquor," Lister said. He turned the wine bottle upside down; nothing came out. "Actually, I think we may have to do that either way." He leaned over to catch the door of his minifridge. "Lagers. Pass 'em around. Any objections to Cat's proposed rule for declaring a winner?"

"As opposed to what?" asked the Doctor. "How do you usually determine the winner?"

"Last person conscious, I think," said Rose.

"It's fine with me," said Ford. "I doubt he can nail us all anyway." He patted Arthur's knee. It was so hard to nail Arthur.

"Go for it," Lister said to the Cat.

The Cat smiled. "I have _never_," he said, raising both index fingers, "been as badly dressed," and made a slow circle with them, pointing at everyone else, "as _any_ of you."

Ford raised his eyebrows. Apparently it _was_ possible to nail Arthur. That damn bathrobe. He started to drink.

"I object," said Jack.

"With the cut of _those_ jeans?" said the Cat, disdainfully.

"I object, too," said Lister. "You _have_ been as badly dressed as _everyone_ here. Two words: Dwane. Dibbly."

"Oh, oh, he's right! Disqualified, but thank you for playing!" Rimmer said, far too cheerfully.

"Who's Dwayne Dibbly, then?" asked Rose.

"Who the Cat turns into when aliens mess with his head," Lister answered, sipping his own lager contentedly. "For some reason, they always suck out his sense of style."

"Of course they do," said the Cat, brushing his own lapels. "Who _wouldn't_ want my style?"

Jack said, "Anyone not living on Earth in the nineteen seventies?"

"Am I playing?" Holly asked, before a semi-literal catfight could erupt. "Because I've got a doozy, I have."

"Have you been drinking for the ones you've done?" Lister asked.

"I guess not. I'll have a drink for Hilly, then, will I?" Holly asked.

"Nope, too late," Ford declared. "If you were playing, you should have been playing all along."

"I agree," said Rimmer. "You can't just decide to play because you've got some... thing." He waved his hand a bit.

"Hmph," said Holly. "And I was going to get all of you, too. 'I've never had a body.' It was brilliant."

"Never had a body!" The Doctor laughed. "I like that."

"My turn," said Rose. "I've never kissed a woman." She looked around triumphantly as all the men groaned and drank.

Well, most of them. The Cat groaned, but did not drink. "Damn it, girl, why you gotta bring that up?"

Lister patted him on the back. "It's not your fault all the cat women left before you could snog them."

"But you'd think, after all this time, we'd eventually meet some women who weren't psychotic or ugly or..." The Cat trailed off, gazing at Rose thoughtfully. "You seem relatively sane and fairly attractive," he offered. "Tell you what--you kiss me, I gotta drink, and you win." He smiled toothily at her and leaned in.

Disturbed by his fangs, Rose drew back. "No! No, that's all right. Let's keep playing. Doctor?"

The Doctor looked at her contemplatively. "I've never kissed a man," he said.

"Oh, _really,_" said Rose. "You sure about that, Mr. Everyone Is So Flexible In The Future?"

"Nope," said the Doctor, grinning. "Not a one."

Rose stuck her tongue out and drank her lager.

Jack had a drink, and said, "Doctor, if you'd like me to rectify matters..."

The Doctor laughed. "Take me out to dinner first, you cad."

Ford drank, and nudged Arthur. "Come on."

"Oh, hell," said Arthur. "Fine, then."

"I knew it!" Lister crowed, pointing at the pair. "Sweethearts, the pair of them."

"We're not," Arthur insisted. "He took advantage of me when I was _extremely_ drunk."

"Oh, yay," said Ford. "I'm getting laid tonight."

"_Shush,_" Arthur said desperately.

Jack took pity on him and interrupted the conversation. "I've never--" He thought about it for a moment. "I've never been employed by anyone but the government." Time agent recruitment started young.

"I refuse to drink for all my jobs," said Rose, after one drink. "It would be a terrible litany of shops and restaurants."

"Same for Listy," Rimmer said, giving Lister a nasty smile.

Lister drank up, smashed his can against his forehead, and said, "Hol, give Rimsy a nice big drink, eh?"

"I've never been employed," said the Cat.

"Me neither," the Doctor said. "I'm more of a freelancer. I've worked _with_ governments..."

Ford said, "I'm not sure if the _Guide_ counts as the government. Zaphod does own a lot of stock in it, and he is the president..." He looked down at his drink thoughtfully. "Oh, what the hell," he said, and chugged the rest of his lager. "All right. I've never been to a Beatles concert." There were enough humans here to make that worthwhile.

"Were you even on Earth when the Beatles were still together?" Arthur asked, sipping.

"Oh, yeah," said Ford. He frowned, trying to count the years. "I think."

Rose said, "I wasn't even _born_ when the Beatles were still together."

"Young thing," said the Doctor. He finished his lager.

Lister snorted. "I wasn't even born when any of the Beatles were still alive."

"I don't even know who the Beatles are," said the Cat.

Ford sighed. Pity about how poorly that had worked.

Arthur said, "I've never had sex with my own cousin."

"_Semi-_cousin," Ford said with a long-suffering sigh. "And it was before I met you! What else is there to drink? I'm out of lager.

Lister checked the fridge again. "Rum," he said, giving Ford a bottle with a parrot on it.

"I," Rimmer declared, "have never attempted to help an android overcome its programming and become a total, total smeghead."

"I thought the painting was rather good," Lister said, snagging the bottle back from Ford. "Captured your personality."

When Lister had drunk, the Doctor said, "Give that here. I've done some headjobs on androids too. Not into total smegheads, but..."

Arthur said quietly, "Does going after Marvin with a hammer count?"

"I don't think so," said Ford, "since he didn't overcome his programming at _all._"

Lister said, "I've never died."

"Bitch," said Rimmer. "Holly, hit me."

The Doctor looked at the bottle of rum, then looked up. "Have you got shot glasses?"

Lister blinked at him, half-rising. "How many do you need?"

"Eight," said the Doctor.

"Smegging hell," said Lister. He sat back down. There wasn't any point.

"_Eight?_" Rose asked.

The Doctor patted her knee. "Time Lords regenerate. It's very useful." He tipped his head back and drank.

"I'll say," said Jack, impressed.

The Cat said, "My turn?" He looked around. "I've got one. I've never been human."

The Doctor looked disgustedly at the bottle he still held. "Does faking it count?"

"Hell, yeah," said the Cat.

"Shit," said Ford, as the Doctor drank. "That's me, too."

"I've been told," said Lister, "that it's a big, floating question mark in my case."

"Nah-uh," the Cat said. "You're human. The girl's human. Walking fashion disaster is human. The pretty one is human. Goalpost-head was human, before he was a hologram. I _win._"

Holly said, "See? This is why you lot should've let me play."

**Author's Note:**

> Also archived on dreamwidth: <http://jmtorres.dreamwidth.org/692570.html>.


End file.
